When Grief Looks Like Fear
Josh WeichhandA year ago my dad passed away unexpectedly. It was so sudden that I still have a hard time believing he really went anywhere. It seems more likely he’s been away on business, working holidays, and when we’re both home we have terrible timing, coincidently walking into the kitchen just as the other’s left. Adjustment can feel like that when the other options seem that much more attractive.I think it’s fair to say that it’s more likely I just don’t want to admit reality. I’m afraid to say he’s really gone because if that’s the truth, then that means I have to move on in life. If he’s really not coming back, what excuse do I have for staying where I am?After his wife passed away from cancer, C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” It’s a brilliant truth in its simplicity. You feel this fear in every facet—in your suddenly unstable seeming future, in the advent of loneliness and in the inevitability of tomorrow. You fear for your family, for your finances or for your emotional state. All of which are valid emotions, emotions that come naturally with tragedy. But the problem with keeping these worries around too long is that fear can take form in feebleness and uncertainty in your next steps. Fear can slowly erode your drive and weigh you down even to the point where suddenly any new possibility frightens you.I admit to living in this fear. I mean, with time I felt confident in the strength of our family and assured in God’s plan, but I would be lying to say I’m free of the bonds completely. I can feel the apprehension to move ahead in my heart. I have been so afraid that I’m unprepared for what’s ahead or that I will lose sight of what has already happened. I constantly wonder if I can step into these roles of responsibility. I wonder if others can depend on me in the absence of that missing table setting. What if I forget my dad’s memory, his smell, the sound of his voice or the feeling of his love? I still feel this in my life even on this 1 year anniversary and it’s more real than I’d like to admit.But in the wake of it all, I remember Jesus’ words in Matthew, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”And in this I find some comfort. Grief is a process, one that can take forms in many emotions, fear being one of them. And even after a year I realize it is still a process. On this anniversary I may still feel the fear of what is to come, but I don’t have to live in it, and I may feel the apprehension, but I don’t have to be idle in it. Let Christ worry about our tomorrows, and in time, the rest will follow.
i could have written this article. i have said , and wrote, and felt the exact same thing. its eerie. i think this explains so much. so much of where i am. i had forgotten what fear does even as i am in the midst of it.
