live this year like its my last

Thinking about what i would resolve to do in 2008 i decided to write this. i started with the usual...lose weight, better handle my money, read the bible more, you know the usual....but the last thing i wrote stood off the page....live this year like it is my last...
with the events that have unravelled in the last month of my life i see things with different eyes. i know what my heart is telling me and has been for sometime. i have seen martyrdom up close ... i know it sounds dramatic but without exageration, this is what this was. it is not a feel good story, not a ccm magazine article of the week, not chicken soup for the soul.tiff and phil died because they loved the Lord and were living a life that most of us wouldnt have thought of because they wanted to serve Him as best they knew. matthew was a pained and disturbed guy who had given himself over to his own demons long ago. he shot them because of their faith and nothing else.
holly did cpr on tiffany minutes before she died...she brought her back for about five minutes. laying there in her own blood she asked how bad she was...holly seeing the seven bullet wounds knew she should tell the truth. "tiff you are pretty bad." tiffany looked up at her and said unwaveringly..."this is what its all about,this is what we do it for isnt it...we do it for Jesus..." she went on to ask Dan to tell her a story as she would always do when she was bored, or tired, or just wanted to hear him talk, and then she died.
tuesday when i entered the hallway, it was fresh with spackle and paint to remove any reminder of two nights prior.standing there i knew something. i have been hiding. i have been hiding in a normal life...doing the normal thing because i was scared. i also knew that the echoes in that hall would change my life. I went to denver to pray with and cry with my dear friends. but also i went to denver to remind me of who i am. i am tiffany. i am phil. i am dan and charlie.
i hope to live to a long old age and never have to experience anything near the events of that night but...the only thing that would be worse than dying a martyr would be to be living scared. so long story short. i am inspired. i am inspired to quit procrastinating, quit putting off for when it will be "easier"... inspired to live this year like it was my last. ...throw off the security blanket and go. its time.

merry christmas

and it never seems to lose its magic

how it ends

Hold your grandmother’s bible to your breast
Gonna put it to the test
You wanted it to be blessed
And in your heart You know it to be true
You know what you gotta do
They all depend on you
And you already know
Yet you already know
How this will end
There is no escape
From the slave catcher’s songs
For all of the loved ones gone
Forever’s not so long
And in your soul
They poked a million holes
But you never let them show
Come on its time to goAnd you already know
Yet you already know
How this will end
Now you’ve seen his face
And you know that there’s a place in the sun
For all that you’ve done
For you and your children
No longer shall you need
You always wanted to believe
Just ask and you’ll receive
Beyond your wildest dreams
And you already knowYet you already know
How this will end
You already know (You already know)
You already know (You already know)
You already know
How this will end

clarity

after the cameras leave, and the holes are patched, reality sets in ... i pray that i too may never see things so clearly. tiffany and phil saw this clarity before they died. i pray i will live with it from here on.

no longer crime scene but the tears still fall

this will change us all. walking in that hallway with the smell of fresh paint and the gun powder still in the air there was a peace. God was there. breathing...causing our hearts to pulsate. and we hug and hold on as if we may never see the other again. we tell each other we love them. that we are glad they are here...because we see life different tonight.

i am not prepared

at 3 we are having a worship service at FBC and then walking over and praying over the base. i am a little scared and a little worried. I dont know if i know how to even prepare for this.

eye of the storm

its wierd to be here. the place that has been my home so long ago, but now what seems like in ruins. i have spent the last day and a half glued to the tv. for new stories, leads, anything. now i am sitting in the middle of it. and its quiet. like the eye of the storm. God only knows what the days ahead will hold. here it is ready or not.

devestated

i have no words. i am on my way to denver to cry and pray with my friends. my family away from family. i feel like i need to own this loss. these people are my people. this tragedy is mine.

"so are you going to tell me what is up or do i have to keep prying."
"nothing is up."
"well you are packing all your stuff at 2 am so clearly something is up."
you fight like ernie.
"what does that mean?"
"you are a mean fighter. you hit below the belt."
"what does that mean?"
i can only tell when your offeneded in public. you bring things up in front of people you think are cool to make me look bad.
"is this about the rent thing?"
"you have brought that up with every person we hang out with."
"we were joking about you moving in with ally . i said ...good luck getting the rent...it was a joke."
"you have brought up the rent thing so many times. why do you think im moving home? so you would quit bringing it up. then i realize you are always going to bring this up. i hadnt said anything up to now because you did a nice thing. but all that goes away when you treat me like that."
"well michele the truth of the matter is that you have paid me about 350 dollars of 700 dollars you owed me. its not a big deal. i dont care. its just the truth."
"if it isnt a big deal why bring it up?
"why wouldn't you have told me before now?"
" i cant confront you."
"your doing it right now arent you?"
"because i am at my edge."
"im sorry you felt you had to wait that long."
"i share everything with you. you keep stuff from me."
"i internalize. its how i proccess."
"your not going to keep friends by doing that."
"what can i say? its who i am its how i proccess. if you dont understand that im sorry."
"and then you bring up the thing about me being in retarded classes."
(im not even sure who that was said in front of honestly)
" look im sorry you feel that way"
...tension growing...she starts in about something else.
"look. im going to go home. you do what you need to do and ....i dont know call me sometime."
"laurie dont leave. just go to sleep or something."
"no im going home. bye."
" dont leave mad..."
"im not leaving mad im leaving hurt.."
....long pause as i gather my stuff
"you cant keep running away from everything."
walking towards the door..."now THAT i take personally."