spring morning

i am overjoyed to have today off. i woke up around 9:30 and from the double paned window next to my bed i could see how deep blue the sky was. after minutes of fighting off more sleep i roll out of bed and stumble around to get some clothes on... i hear my phone going off and it is michele telling me she too has the day off. i text her back to meet me at staufs, throw some clothes on, brush my teeth and im out the door. the morning sun is so intense and beautiful as i walk down the street to (one of) my favorite coffee spots. its wednesday morning and even blocks away i can smell the coffee roasting. as i walk i see others who too are enjoying the early morning light. bike messengers pass, glowing that their days work will be full of warmth. couples pass walking their dogs, who too seem to know that spring is finally here. as i round the turn i begin to notice a patch of violets that have bloomed and  tulips that are sprouting...as if this may have happened over night. the birds are also back. im not sure which ones actually but i can tell you they are the ones that sing on those mid summers afternoons when you sunbathe on a blanket in the park. they have come back from their warm winter vacation to let us know that all is not lost..spring will come again

arrested development

tuesday morning i was filling in a shift at the arena district starbucks. i had to be there at 530 so woke up early got everything together and actually left with more than enough time to get there. I pulled out of my street and on to northwest , where i notice a police officer behind me. i didnt think much about it but realized about two blocks up that i should probably get gas and decided to turn around and go back the other way to get gas. i turned into a driveway turned around and made a right on 3rd....all of a sudden i look up flashing blue red and white lights. All of a sudden i had a sudden panic. i reach for my insurance, license ect....the officer comes up to my window...asks if im lost to which i respond that i am on my way to work, show him my apron and  give him my information. in less than a minute or two the officer returns and says "mam do you realize you are driving on a suspended license?" all of a sudden my stomach drops. i was pulled over at the end of january , given a ticket, and kept thinking...im broke ill just pay the ticket later. As the officer asks me to step out of the car i realize i am in deep shit. I explain to the officer that i know i have a ticket and i just couldnt pay it... the cop then asks me "mam will you turn around and put you hands behind your back." then...the wateworks. i am cuffed and put into the back of the cop car. the officer informs me he is taking me to the grandview heights police station and that they are towing my car. He also tells me that i will need to post 250$ for my bail, and asks me if i know anyone in the area that can help me. I explain to him that i do not have the money and the only person i could call was my mom. He takes me to the station...half uncuffs me long enough to have me put my arms in front of me and then recuffs. the next hour is full of mugshots, finger printing and police reports. i call my mom and tell her (in tears) what has happened, call the manager of the store im filling in at and also fill her in. Then i wait. my mom was stuck in traffic and the officer was getting impatient.  he had me keep calling to see where she is. About 10 minutes before she gets there he informs me that if she doesnt show up before the shift change he is taking me down to franklin county jail house. She still isnt there after a few more minutes...he leaves the room and then reenters. he informs me that he is waiving the bail on my own reconiscence  and sends me into the lobby. My mom picks me up and i (still an emotional mess) head to work. 4 days 380$( towing, old ticket, reissuing the license)later i still havent seen a court date and have cuff marks to prove my nightmare....tuesday sucked .

tonight

tonight i saw a  friend i havent seen in almost a year. those friends i want to be like.  you know the ones....they are a step ahead of you as far as age bracket goes. but they are those people that inspire you that it gets better as you get older. it was great to see them. i miss them dearly. 

saturday musing

i woke up this morning quite late after a long night had drawn into the early morning and headed out for my morning ritual, pick a coffee shop and sit for a few hours, wake up, get on my computer and people watch. i was bored with the 6 coffee houses in my near walking distance and decided to hop in my car and go to the "cup o joe" in german village. instead of taking the most direct path i for some reason chose to drive straight through downtown. downtown is a ghost town on saturdays. when on any given week day you will find men in power suits, and women in tennis shoes and skirts walking to their skyscraper office,  saturdays and sundays you are lucky to even pass a soul. as i made it to broad and high i saw something interesting...protesters. maybe 30 or 40 tops holding signs and wearing guy forks masks. as i passed them i noticed on one side of the street police on horses standing in a row facing the crowd. i slowed down to make out what the signs said but couldnt quite get it, and continued driving.  as i continued driving i thought about what in my life am i passionate enough about to hold a sign out on a street on a grey rainy ohio day. I thought of those mounted police. i think of those with aids, those caught in human traffiking, those who are poor and hungry. often those that try to help look a lot like this....making noise and holding signs while people pass by and a force greater than them stands on the other side of the street.

the burden of the easy yoke

i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still (x3)

the crossroads

why i am i so scared to tell them. why am i so scared to let them down. why is leaving such a hard thing for me to break to them. i know i wouldn't have had a chance to panel if they knew i was leaving in june. but mom, and julie, and the fam. its time to let everyone know. i am most afraid of becky. she has done so much to mentor me in my job. i dread sitting down and telling her that i am leaving. im afraid she will feel like i have been wasting her time and i knew it all along. i am more afraid that she will be disappointed than anyone else. it is this thing that has been chewing inside. i know i am supposed to go. the longer i wait the more of a rush i will be in to get support and just things ready. i never will feel ready for this but i wont allow my fear of the future keep me stagnant. i wish sometimes that i had more courage. Lord i pray that you will ease this. 

the echoes of a hall

the echoes of a hall

in that hall i could hear the echoes

the echoes of bullets and screams

the echoes of tears and fear

the echoes of two last breaths

in that hall our tears echoed

our voices hushed

our fears realized

in that hall i heard the echoes of my life

the echoes that brought me pain

and the echoes of courage squelched

in that hallway i heard the echoes of who i am

....................................................................

i knew standing there what i had to do. i felt like that hall. i had brought in a clean up crew and spackled the bullet holes. i had built new door frames. i had painted over it all. but i sat unused, out of fear, out of memorial. i sat unused. i knew what i had to do. i still know what i have to do.

im thinking

im thinking....i have a long weekend coming up in two weeks....i want to get in my car and drive as far down the east as i possibly can. and stay  there for the night. and soak in the sun and sand the next two days....i have cabin fever.